Date: July 18, 2008 05:49:48 am Title: Another story - the struggle of the New Age (Tournament: Prox 2008)
Yes It is lacking in some places, but it's a great story! You make it seem like it really does take places way after the lost age! Great job keep it up. Don't hold out on your fans now! *wink* *wink*
Date: March 07, 2008 11:45:22 am Title: Amaranth [Tournament Prox 2008]
Reileen, that was quite impressive. Regretfully I was not able to fight my way through this before the tourney, but as soon as I started reading it I was riveted. Your characterization is exquisite, and I really feel the connection to this story. Also, you have a wealth of knowledge about legends, traditions, and myths, and add them to the Gs world well, creating a much fuller mythical background then the games provide. Very, very good!
Date: March 06, 2008 09:57:46 am Title: Set Within Stone (Tournament Prox 2008)
I thought that this entry was actually pretty good. To be honest I was confused the first time I read it, but after a more careful reading I got a better view over all. The grammar is great and I think that everything is well described.-Maybe a little too much on the characters but hey ^^ - Aphaelleka is quite the intriguing character! (By the way, I love the names you gave the characters, very original) I would like for you to continue this cause it made me curious about the whole plot behind this =D
Author's Response: I will continue it, I'm just really dried out at the moment, in terms of writing inspiration. I like this one though, so I'll keep going. Yes, I made the names myself. Thanks Keira.
Date: March 01, 2008 12:44:06 am Title: Amaranth [Tournament Prox 2008]
Well, you win. This piece of fiction radiates with a power unlike any of the fics here on this site. I think you just made a Golden Sun masterpiece.
Interesting, though. You wrote nearly everything in the present tense. "Meli walks with a confident strut across the cobblestone road." "Lightning bursts the boils on Zagan's hide." "Grass ripples across the green plains as a tender breeze rolls by. " Not past tense. No excessive "had beens" or "had this or that". The story unfolds as the reader reads, which causes the reader to feel like he is truly in the world and is experiencing everything with her as each event occurs. And it was really quite exhilarating and didn't leave me bored in the least. At all, really. An exciting 2 hours of reading.
I was also amazed at the little details, for instance with the names of the days of the week. Ingenious (though I had to disagree with a few of them).
I was also a bit surprised at the summoning of Zagan. Zagan is supposed to be one of the lower ranked summon spirits from the game, so his appearance as an opponent for the climatic battle was a bit... well, not too much of a surprise, but a small one nonetheless. What made you choose Zagan?
I'm also impressed with the number of characters you made in this story. There was... Meli, Gregor, Florian, Thea, Minayo, Ramesh, and of the course the Wise One. A few other minor characters too that weren't out of place at all. All seemed to mesh together so perfectly, with such perfect conversations. And, maybe it's just me, but it looked like you introduced/focused on one new character per chapter. By doing this you focused on the individual relationships of each of the characters with Meli. Not until the end did you make any of them fraternize with each other-- which possibly could have used a little more emphasis, but no big deal at all. Simply put, the way you developed each of the characters in only about 20000 words was amazing.
Let's see... favorite character? For some reason, I like Minayo the most. If she's from Izumo, I automatically like her. Couple her with paper talisman psynergy casting and an amusing, "yeah" accent, and you've won me over. I sort of picture her as looking like Soma from RGVeda/Tsubasa Chronicle (Clamp).
And my favorite moment was probably when... well, actually, can't really say. Each chapter was really good in it's own way. They were like short anime episodes. XD
So, yes. I think you win this time, Reileen. Just one more minor complaint-- story could have used a more creative, eye-catching title that pertains to the actual story in some way. I don't see how you could have come up with chapter titles, but not an overall fic title.
Unlike fire_guardian_flame, I think this fic should not have a sequel. Fics like this are not destined to have any. It's like making a crummy sequel to "Casablanca" or "Romeo and Juliet". Forgive me for making the comparison.
The only negative effect this fic could have on me is make me not want to write anymore. After reading this, and feeling unable to think and type smoothly, I cannot possibly write anything that comes close to the brilliancy that is Amaranth.
Author's Response: Just one more minor complaint-- story could have used a more creative, eye-catching title that pertains to the actual story in some way. I don't see how you could have come up with chapter titles, but not an overall fic title.
I have to argue that even if "Amaranth" as a title has nothing to do with the fic (although you COULD Wiki the flower and/or the Nightwish song, look at the associations, and decide for yourself...), it at least stands out for the sheer fact that "amaranth" isn't an every day word. But that's just me.
I was also a bit surprised at the summoning of Zagan. Zagan is supposed to be one of the lower ranked summon spirits from the game, so his appearance as an opponent for the climatic battle was a bit... well, not too much of a surprise, but a small one nonetheless. What made you choose Zagan?
I needed someone that would be a reasonable opponent for Meli and her pals, but nothing too overwhelming. Originally I wanted to go with a Jupiter-aligned summon, but then I randomly got the idea for Ramesh to steal and then amplify the Mars and Venus Psynergy of Meli, Thea, and Minayo, so. I know Zagan was one of the lower-powered summons, but the next one up that involved Venus and Mars was Haures, and I thought that it might be too out of league for everyone involved. I didn't want to make Ramesh too superpowered that he could do such a thing without Djinn, and I didn't want to overwhelm Meli either.
...although come to think of it, I guess I COULD have just had Ramesh amplify his Jupiter Psynergy and summon, like, Procne or Thor. But then, considering that Thea and Minayo are both Venus Adepts, they'd be able to own the spirit relatively easily, I suppose, so summoning someone like Zagan would ensure that any elemental advantages would be rendered nearly obsolete.
Thanks for the review! (Though I feel bad about discouraging other writers. XD)
Date: February 28, 2008 11:12:36 pm Title: Through the Fire and Flames (Tournament Prox 2008)
Very epic fic, Dante. Very epic. I am sorry. I would give some sort of suggestions to improve it... but with this fic I am sorry to say that I am not qualified.
I just have a few questions.
Maybe I'm looking into it too much, but I don't quite understand why sealing the alchemy with the lighthouses brought beams of light to come together at Mount Aleph. The whole final battle was based on that. In the games, it was plausible with the release of psynergy, but I don't see how it works here.
Secondly, I enjoyed the support characters-- Tanya, airship man, Hoabna etc. They were really well done. It didn't feel like there were too many characters at all. Except, at times I would confuse some of the characters together. Otherwise, they were very different from each other and I thus was able to tell them apart. I'm happy not all of them died. That's what I half expect all the time.
Anyways, yeah. Great. Just a few statements in this fic that I take offense from-- "Why are men so stupid?"
Author's Response: Thanks, Suicine~ ^_^
Ah, well, allow me to explain. ^_^; It's probably so hard to understand 'cause it was a concept of my own that wasn't even raised in the game - before what they did, Alchemy was rampant over Weyard - there were no Lighthouses at all, and everybody had full control of Alchemy - think a river, running rapid with springwater. Then, they constructed and lit the Lighthouses to channel and control the power of Alchemy, feeding it into Weyard in doses that would control the power of the Adepts - like a dam being built and partially stemming the flow of the river, so that Adepts wouldn't become powerful enough to destroy the world - and the power harnessed by the dam would be represented by the Stone of Sages. Should those Lighthouses be extinguished, that'd be like shutting off the dam altogether - no river comes through, and there is no power generated by the dam, and thus no Stone of Sages.
So, the beams came to mount Aleph 'cause actually, in a sense, the Lighthouses were being lit - for the very first time, as far as they knew. And the final battle was for control of the Stone of Sages, as it was being created.
Hehe, thanks - I really enjoyed writing them, too. Originally, none of them were going to die, but one of the themes I wanted to highlight in this fic (subconsiciously), was the brutality of war - hence, the character deaths, the intimate/gory description at times, etc. And nah, it's not a cheap slasher, so some of them lived. XD I'm not a fan of dominate black or white, just grey - in other words, a victory where you have both wins - and losses.
XD Heh, Myr. That's just the way she is - and don't worry, I don't share her opinion. XD
Thanks for the review, Suicine!
Date: February 27, 2008 10:23:06 am Title: To Serve the Princess [Tournament Prox 2008]
Very nice! I love the ending Blazing, the fight and the last little bit. I think it was a little confusing at times, mayhap also caused by the fact that your paragraphs haven't as much space as I am comfortable reading with in between. Did that make sense?
Anyway, I think the whole fic was a little confusing at times, with the conversation and all the other things happening. Maybe it's just because I skimmed too much. I'd love to see it continued, although I think Suicune is right.
Still, this is a great fic. Grammar and spelling are good, and other than it being a little slow and confusing at times, this is very nice. Very nice indeed. Keep writing as much as you can Blazing Aura, you're amazing!
Author's Response: These reviews are like buses; there's none for ages, then three turn up at once! Anyway, moving swiftly on... This fic was messy in places, I'll hold my hands up to that. i think part of the problem was that if got left so long without any real work getting done on it, and in the end ended up rushed. And yeah, Draco's had a pop at my spacing before, it's something i really need to take more note of, especially as I write everything in Word and then copy/paste across. So yeah, it did make sense. i think another problem was that i tried to cover a little too much in their, and went about it in a rather bad way. I can learn from it though. I'm glad you (and the other reviewers) liked it, I have to say I wasn't too impressed myself, but then I could hack just about everything I've written to pieces given half a chance, so I could well be my own worst enemy in that respect. Still, at least it doesn't seem to have turned into quite the disaster I was expecting, which is always good. I'll keep on wiritng, don't worry about that. I just hope I can improve with everything as well, and not just keep churning out the same old crud. Anyway, thanks for the support, and the review.
Date: February 27, 2008 10:17:31 am Title: Alchemique the Great (Tournament Prox Entry)
Draco, Draco, Draco... What to say first? ...........It's GREAT! Another nonsense plotline, made completely nonsensically wonderful. I love the line "she strode vaingloriously out the...". It's been stuck in my head after I read this. And Alchemique is a very.......Unique character. She's so overconfident, and fearless. I wonder, what would it be like if Kim turned out the hero?
I think it would be wonderful if you experimented with plot twists like that. I'd love to see a sequel, and I can't find too many real problems with this. Your lighthouse was extremely creative as well. I think you must love writing these crazy things, because it's most of what I see from you.
About your writing in general, I would like to see how you would do with a serious, maybe dark and twisted fic. I think you have one or two, but it would be nice seeing a few more. Either way, this is a wonderful fic, and well executed. Good job!
(If I seem undetailed or my typing and whatever is wierd, it's cuz I'm at school right now and people are distracting me. Sorry.)
Date: February 27, 2008 09:17:38 am Title: The Guardian of Lost Dreams (Prox tournament 2008)
Hehe, well Keira, I really like this fic. ^___^ Your writing has improved, and I really don't know if there's any noticeable flaws, per se - there are still stuff you can improve on, but there's nothing that detracts from understanding the story. ^_^ Hopefully, everything will come naturally, with reading and writing.
A friend of mine, upon reading this fic, pointed out that the first part closely resembled in the opening of Eragon - personally, I didn't know that, and I don't think it's a bad thing at all, because what you did with the rest of the fic is awesome. ^_^ You took the old concept of a character getting sucked in from the 'real world' and added some things - like the part that Ari never really felt complete in her world, as if she was destined to belong to Weyard all along. I like how you reworked the tree-fairies as Hermione and Kiel - that's a great concept, reducing the "tree-with-a-face" thing and making them more of actual dryads.
Also, I love the twist you put on here - although Queen Kaede (and I like that concept - Queen of All Weyard) looks like the protagonist/damsel in distress at first (and good scene with her Knights taking the arrows for her and the bander between her and Edin), later on she's the antagonist to the people Ari has fallen in with, for good or for ill, and she actually appears more evil/cold/haughty.
I like how you characterized Ari, too - that she doesn't really take anything seriously because she thinks it's all a dream, and is almost selfish in that respect. I lol'd at her modern attitude, too - it's normal to be 'exposed', calling Eldin a pervert (and that first scene with him and the 'view' was hilarious).
Eldin is also another great character - I like how you made it open as to whether he was really a good guy, if he had a bit of bad parts to him - how he treats women, and 'being aware what he is capable of'. Plus, he's just generally hilarious/badass. XD Plus, that little scene at the end with him asking what pervert meant was cute - and plus, totally right. We can't assume that every word in Earth would also be in Weyard. Little differences and things like that, as well as the style of dress, really are what could/does set this apart from the other self-insert fics.
You really should look at that more often - Ari was basically thrown back in time a thousand years, and undoubtedly she'd be experiencing culture shock - she's lived her whole life, even if nigh-unwillingly, in the modern-day, and she wouldn't really know how to handle it. And she probably wouldn't be in the greatest shape, either, so the walk she and Edin did to Kolima village would be especially brutal for her.
Since you've made her being from Earth a fairly big part of this fic, I suggest focusing on that a lil'. ^_^ And while having the Stone of Sages locked inside her seems kinda... Sueish? Making her uber-really special and above the other characters. Maybe the process to extract it is very painful/occasionally fatal, or if it's power inside her is actually harmful to her health? *shrugs*
Nonetheless, this is one of my favourite entries. XD Keep on writing, Keira, and I'll be reading!
Author's Response: I agree with you on the ‘improving’ thing –Remember my first fic? XD- I remember that you were a great teacher and influence at the time on me, so most of my improving is thanks to you Dante, so thank you. :) Yeah, I like Ari and her ‘I really don’t care what this is all about’ attitude –I based her personality upon what my own mother tells me: “Teenagers are all the same. Careless, selfish and daydreamers!”. Even though Ari is a bit different. I personally prefer Edin (Edínmtor) over Ari – He’s just so easy and fun to create a good moment xP –I like his pervert attitude also! ^^ Yes, my friend also alerted me on the part where Ari made such a huge walk to Kolima and I didn’t mention anything about her feeling tired or not or just generally how she felt during that walk. –Bah, I guess it’s just part of those things I still have to improve ^^; Thank you so very much for the review Dante!
Date: February 27, 2008 08:03:18 am Title: Another story - the struggle of the New Age (Tournament: Prox 2008)
Heh, I kinda like this fic. Your writing style is a little choppy/undeveloped - for example, one of the things you should work on is comma placement. This:
' "Well let's help them out" grinned Ed '
Should become this:
' "Well, let's help them out," grinned Ed '
Notice that there's a comma between the last word of the person speaking and the quote marks, in this case, the 'out' and the ' " '. Generally, you use that when you have a lower-case next word "grinned", otherwise, if their sentence/thing stopped, you'd use a period instead. ^_^; It's pretty complicated, and god knows it took me about a year to get right. You'll pick up on it eventually, and it'd make your writing easier to read and more professional.
Also, again the Sol/Luna concept has been done before, but I love your idea here of Weyard dying - of all the elements withering away and failing. Kinda reminds me of that scene in... Final Fantasy V?
Nonetheless, you did a good job with that, the whole world turning dark. ^_^ I like how even the strongest warriors couldn't survive out in the darkness for long, but Kaitlin and Ed could - I wonder what that means for their families back home, though?
Anyway, you did a fairly decent explanation for it, but I'm still a little confused as to how the Stones of Sages guy affects Weyard by darkening it like that. o_O I might be able to get it if I reread it a few times... but all the same, that part was a little confusing.
Also, you could do a little work on crafting your characters into solid personalities - it really helps bring them alive in your writing, and you'd get more inspiration from them that way - I used to do the same thing, just use them as dialogue fillers to help move the plot along, instead of thinking of every thing they say in terms of "given their personality, what would this person say in this situation"? it's a lot more work, but it really pays off in the end. ^_^;;
Anyway, good story, and keep on writing! I want to see what happens in the end. =)
I'll be reading!
Author's Response: thx im glad you like it. I have made it so much better recently so if you could read it again plz. lol you dont hav to but i think this time it'll make a bit more sense. I also took your advice on the comma/full stop after speech thing. Thxs a lot for that, i want this to be a gd story and spelling and grammer are just as important as ideas. I love final fantasy but i only just started playing recently, i've got the chocobo tales and the 3rd one but i havnt looked at the 5 one, although i do want to play it. No the idea just seemed gd. 'What woud happened if the elements were taken away from the world?' and them i thought dead grey lifeless (im not an emo honest lol) i think this is better and i hope the people that read it (no matter how few) like it. thanks for reviewing again :)
Date: February 26, 2008 11:58:33 pm Title: To Serve the Princess [Tournament Prox 2008]
Blazing, you have made my day/ week/ month! I am delighted with what you've done with this fic. Such loyalty, as is expected from a princess's personal guard. Ah, the relationships they seemed to share was very pleasently informal, which is as it should be, between trusted guards.
But this is where I disagree with Suicune. Although he is correct in pointing out that you did only a bare minimum describing the scenerios and settings of this story, I must say that the conversations and all of the dialogue really make this story what it is. The relationships shared by these characters are what really made them feel realistic, as well as made me feel quite attached to them. Rhiannon has a very fun personallity. Not too selfish, and fairly learned concerning politics. ^_^
I agree with Suicune, that this is more suited for a screenplay. In which the description would then rest on the props and scenery itself.
Blazing, if you do end up writing a following chapter, I might cry if Maria and Jonas aren't healed... Then again, if they weren't, who would take the place of the protagonists? Ah, I don't want to have to wonder. I'll just wait... Great job!
Author's Response: There's a reason why they're informal; Rhiannon just doesn't get on with the overly formal types! Yeah, my descriptive skills really suck at times, it's something that lets me down on many occasions, and something I'm really struggling to improve, but I'll continue working on it. I'm glad I got Rhiannon right though, she's fun to write. If plans continue as planned (that grammar sucks, don't take that as a good example), you'll find out in good time. there'll be a few surprises in store (hopefully not fic-killing ones), so yeah. Let's see if I can get a long fic finished for a change!!
Date: February 26, 2008 09:41:41 pm Title: To Serve the Princess [Tournament Prox 2008]
C'mon c'mon c'mon when is the next one coming?!! ^_^_^_^_^ XD
Really nice work, Blazing Aura. Really nice. Spelling and grammar is nearly perfect. It looked (LOOKED) like you made it the way you intended it. And the way you led up to the climactic battle at the end... well, the climactic battle at the end was good.
What I didn't like and what I thought really took away from this fic for me was the excessive and seemingly pointless conversation that populated 60% of the fic or so. In a sense, it would have been better as a script for a screenplay because there were more quotations in this than actual descriptions of what was going on. In order to understand what the setting was, what exactly was happening, and what kind of people each of the characters were, (which were many) I had to actively decipher the conversations.
The end is really good, Blazing, but I definitely feel the beginning could have been used to describe more, because the beginning made me feel the way I feel when I read redundant fics that I don't want to bother with. So it wasn't until the end when it wasn't a real chore for me.
Let's see... favorite character? I like both Maria and Jonah equally. Two loyal guardsmen who are main characters= win. Even so, I'm still not quite sure how to describe their personalities. The conversations didn't hint much. :/ Too many characters, too.
In any case, after reading through it, I want to see what happens next. You gonna continue or not?
Author's Response: I hate this damn website! Got a reply typed out (a long one too), and the damn site kicked me out! I'm getting a little tired of it randomly logging me out like that, especially as clicking on logout don't work. Anyway, moving on... It makes a pleasent change for the spelling and grammar to be good, so at least one thing seemes to have improved. As for the rest, I'm gonna be honest here. All the conversation parts (or most of them anyway) were the only parts I thought were really any good in the whole fic. I'm rather surprised that you liked the end part, becasue I've never been happy with it. I'll take your comments on board though, and work on them. I do think I need some help with my descriptive skills though, especially where people are concerned. That's one of the weakest parts of anything I write. As for the personalities of Maria and Jonas, that was something else that didn't work how I wanted it to, but I was so irritated by the end I never really tried to fix it in the major edit. There were a number of things I wanted to put across, and I didn't manage any of them, but anyway. I also hand't thought I'd done too badly with character numbers, so I'll work on that as well. My original intention was to carry this on after the contest. Numerous problems have arisen since then (not least of which dredging up enough ideas to pull it off), but I'll give it a shot. I just hope I can keep it going this time, yet another of my writing flaws... Anyway, thanks for the review, it gives me something to work with.
Date: February 25, 2008 11:47:52 pm Title: Seal ( Tournament Prox )
...wind sorcerer. Buddy. Partner. Nakama.
;_; So this is how the Wise One came to being? I like the concept, but the way you wrote it out in the end could've been much, much better. It was so cluttered with grammar mistakes I just sort of... skimmed at some parts. I'm sure I missed out on some of vividly, juicy action sequences. To me, wind sorcerer, it was like a mindless brawl on top of a lighthouse. I feel there was nothing to lead up to the battle. No rising action. Not even a part that describes the characters who are battling it out. And just two of them. And I have no idea who they are, and why I should care about who they are. Sure, in the end, one of them became the Wise One. But [i]why[/i]? How did he become so wise, if he is wise at all?
Author's Response: hmm, sorry it appears that the fact of me wanting to write a whole fic about it made me write just like the last chapter of it ^^;;;; Oh well, I may rewrite this someday, and I think I'm forgetting to say that the 'wise one' name is just a title given to the character
Date: February 25, 2008 11:29:46 pm Title: Set Within Stone (Tournament Prox 2008)
Well, very different fire_guardian_flame!
First of all, it's very eloquent. Very different from most of the other fics in that I didn't really notice any spelling or grammatical errors-- and that's really refreshing and nice to see. Good job on that.
As for the story itself... hmm... well, of course it's just me but I really didn't feel drawn into the story like I probably should have. I couldn't connect to Aphaelleka. So, to have to read through the whole thing was a bit of a chore-- and you and I both know that the story is always better understood when one finds it enjoyable.
Something interesting I noticed-- when you describe people, it's really out of place. In other words, I feel like the descriptions of what people look like or wear aren't transitioned into smoothly, like you're just telling us what they look like for the sake of letting us know, and what they look like has no bearing on who they are, or on the story at all. Sometimes when I'm reading the descriptions of what people wear or look like, I think in my head, "Why should I care about what he's wearing?" You can tell a lot about what a person is like by looking at their clothing. So, when you describe attire, it really helps to make it matter to a person or to the story.
I'll give an A-plus for effort, though. I'm sure someone else was able to enjoy it.
Let's see... usually I like to include in my reviews my favorite part of the story. I would have to say when Aph...Appaleka...? (I'll call her Aphy) When Aphy had to cast douse in the inn. I wasn't too thrilled with the following events, but it did keep my interest because I wanted to know what would happen. I'm guessing the innkeeper was angry because guests from all over the world come to the inn, and to show psynergy publically would be bad for appearances? I got that. But I don't consider getting caught under a sudden riot/barfight as being... plausible enough? It was just way too "savage" (for lack of a better word) for me. Especially since Vale (and Aphy is a girl!) is supposed to be full of nice people. 0_0 Guess I was wrong.
Another thing is the "can't I just be ME for once" theme that I see a lot in teenager fics. I inherently don't like it. ^_^; Especially in feudal/medieval stories, because, to me, that way of thinking just doesn't seem to fit in that era.
I hope I didn't make you burst into tears. x_x Well, criticism makes people stronger! ^_^
Author's Response: Of course it does, Suicune! Thank you so much for being the first, and for the wonderful advice. Yeah, the fic would've been a lot stronger if I'd gotten her counterpart out, Kavannah. But I had too many characters anyway. And yeah, the descriptions... I never really realised it, but I've never read this fic over like the others. With a week to go before the deadline, I'd changed the fic and taken out 6 characters. And the "me" part, I honestly can't remember that even BEING in there, which is a really bad thing, because, well, it is my fic... Aphaelleka is pronounced, Ah - fay - luh - kah. Emphasis on the second syllable. I know it's an odd name, I love making names. Bit of an odd hobby of mine. Thank you for the A plus on effort, Suicune. I appreciate you taking the time out to review this. The fight was a spur of the moment idea. Actually, I only thought it out up to her getting a room at the inn, otherwise it was basically general plot. If I get a good idea, I stick it in. That's my problem, that a lot of it doesn't flow. You see that when I talk too. AND I talk too much, like now. So, thank you so much again. And I quite agree about the review part! Not crying at all, see? See? SEE?
Date: February 25, 2008 02:46:37 pm Title: Seal ( Tournament Prox )
Still, edit your work, maybe find a beta reader with English as a first language? I like the sacrifice idea, how they all became the elemental stars and Azart is the wise one and all.... But, who is this "mysterious voice"? We know they were sent on a "mission". By who? Why? When? You've got some loose ends to tie up here. May want to expand your vocabulary a bit. E.g. Kay unsheathed his blade at a incredible high speed and ran towards Azart with unstoppable anger. That's just a little awkward, don't you think?
Something like, Kay unsheathed his blade with inhumane speed, and ran towards Azart, his anger blazing in his eyes...I dunno. That was kinda cheesy. But y'know? Anyway, nice try.
Date: February 25, 2008 02:35:47 pm Title: Through the Fire and Flames (Tournament Prox 2008)
Interesting inspiration there, Dant. Personally, I love the storyline, and the almost political things going on. I like the scriptlike descriptions, the way you do the time skips. You give the state of things, without sounding as if the whole time didn't matter. You don't go, "Ten years later, and they are all older." Because that's just obvious. Ten years later, of course you're older! I love how you describe the things that really matter, the things we as readers need to know.
Very minor spelling or grammar mistakes every once in a while, but for something as long as this, it's to be expected. Besides, I didn't notice them 'till I reread the whole fic. It was a little confusing in the beginning - I didn't understand that Gazimonus and Argyros were from different clans at first.
The fighting as well was a bit chaotic to read, sometimes I didn't know what was happening. Still, your descriptions are amazing. Wonderful, intricate detail. No problems there. Myr is a nice character, but I like Vlad best. Tanya and Gremian confuse me a bit... I'm not completely sure how they are. Can't really imagine them. But maybe it's because I haven't read your fic in so much detail that I should've. Either way, this was very good. I probably will read it better later. So sorry, but I'm short on time. Keep writing and all, I hope you know how good you are! Didn't mean to offend you with that by the way.
Author's Response: Thanks, Flame. ^_^ Ah, I see. ^_^; See, that was my bad - when I had Gazi refer to Argyros as "Argentum", I knew that was talking about his surname, but it's true that the common reader wouldn't known that. ^_^; Vlad is cute. XD He was fun to write - they all were, actually. And yeah, Tanya and Gremian were mostly explained through the latter's thought process and stuff about the former, like lying on the mountainside and being two hundred feet tall. Basically, Tanya was a giant from the Great Forest, where present-day Lalivero is, and Gremian is a knight sworn to protect/guide her as she goes through the world. ^_^ It's part of a tradition between their two families, and Gremian takes his duty very seriously. Haha, you needn't worry about offending me - that's pretty hard. Thanks for the review, Flame!
Date: February 25, 2008 02:00:53 pm Title: Amaranth [Tournament Prox 2008]
Alright. This was very good. Your work never fails to impress me. I love the tiny romance here, and your usage of language is good. Really captured the scope of that sort of time period amongst the "nobility" so to say.
It is wonderful, the way you made the Wise One a weaker character on the whole, one who obeys this sealed god, Mars. It's excellent foreshadowing you have there, the way only Florian's attacks affect Zagan at all. I'd like to see more of that foreshadowing - I think you'd be good at it.
The Purifying Fire is a nice idea, how our wonderful, powerful, yet kind heroine turns out to be the next "hellbringer". I would love to see a sequel.
It is difficult to find fault with such a fic. As Draco said, it's almost like "perfection in fic form". (Hope Draco doesn't mind me mentioning it.) I say almost, because there is always some way for us to improve, but at the moment, I think you should just make sure your writing is always your style and maybe the little bit about foreshadowing I mentioned earlier. The tidbit of poetry on the Purifying Fire was pretty nice.
Near the very end, when the Wise One is about to kill Meli, I think she might've gotten a little desperate. Somehow it all sounded just a little whiny little girl to me. But other than that, I can't really find an area that I dislike. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, I honestly don't think you're going to get any flames on this. Maybe give Meli just a tiny little flaw (other than the Hellbringer part) so she doesn't turn into perfection. Or on the other hand, keep her the way it is and let the Hellbringer part be her flaw. Gah, I don't know. In the end, my thoughts on this are all to the positive. Wonderful job. Keep writing, because I'll be reading!
Date: February 24, 2008 04:06:19 pm Title: The Guardian of Lost Dreams (Prox tournament 2008)
First of all, I've never read Eragon so the nature of this review is not going to be the same as the others.
What an interesting story! Very, very different from the ones I've read so far. The beginning was eyecatching and caught my interest after a few paragraphs through. Though, for some reason, I feel the whole beginning where a woman is trying to escape and is ambushed is rather cliche. But it's still good, because it caught my interest.
The main character, the narrator, feels a bit too... teenage to me. This is a dream. this ain't real, so I can do anything I want. Now I know that's what a typical, modern teenager might think-- but I think an even better main character would be a non-typical teenager. Fics where the main character comes from the future are usually cliche in that the main characters are all so similar. I would've enjoyed the beginning of this fic much more if I didn't know what to expect of her.
My favorite character is probably Edin (Edinmtor) I'm not quite sure, but Ari might be a foil for him. Though, they're actually alike in some ways, so I could be wrong.
I want to see you continue this. But if you could... maybe make it less unpredictable and more exciting?
(oh, and you made a number of careless of mistakes. Read over your fic next time to make sure everything is how you want it)
Author's Response: I’m glad you liked it SS. Yes, Ari is a bit naïve- That’s what I actually wanted her to be, cause all teenagers are naïve (At least that’s what my mom says to me -.-; ) Hummm… I’ll try to take your advice and not make this fic so… predictable, but that will be a bit hard, but I guess I can manage something ;P YES! Edin is the best character I’ve created so far, I’m happy you liked him too =D I’ve actually read so many times each chapter before posting… I though there wouldn’t be any mistakes but I guess I needed to re-read it one more time. Thanks for the review SS, I’ll keep updating after the announcement of the winner.
Date: February 24, 2008 03:23:16 pm Title: Another story - the struggle of the New Age (Tournament: Prox 2008)
Well, someone has an imagination. And an anti-imagination at the same time.
This is another somewhat cliche entry for a tournament of original ideas. Nonetheless, the way you described the decaying of the world was good. How everything just loses its color. I'm a bit iffy on the mechanics for WHY it was happening though. I'm also not very... convinced by the way minor characters in the story act. It's good to be to the point-- but not too much.
I don't know what to say, really, princess. :/ But I want to see something really good and really original from you one day. I know you can do it if you do whatever it takes to do it.